Hello loves! I am behind on everything in my life and this past month I haven’t been myself. Ever since school started I haven’t been adjusting to my sophomore year as well. I’ve been closing myself off and laying in my bed most of the time. I let my love for myself go into other things. I stopped writing as much, taking care of myself, going out with friends, playing guitar, being happy, taking pictures, and overall loving myself. I didn’t realize that I didn’t love myself I just realized that I didn’t live as much and do stuff as much as I wanted to. You know the quote love yourself before you love someone else? It’s so true and I never had it explained to me until I experienced exactly what it was saying.
I am not the one to give a tell all about people who have done me wrong, I try not to hold that and grudges in my heart. I try to learn from a past connection than dwell in the fact it’s over (trust me I dwell for days but life goes on.) I am going to tell you about what happened with me and leave the personal details out of the mix. A while ago I got involved with a boy Phillip* who never loved me. He was very rude and all about what he wanted yet I still cared about him. He would make me feel insecure about myself but that made me hold on to him longer. It’s hard being in a situation you’re not sure to leave or even scared to. The whole time I thought this is not my future I can’t marry someone like this yet I stayed longer. You accept the love you think you deserve and in the moment I didn’t realize just how far down my self concept had gone. I just want you, anybody to know from that experience to get out. I didn’t cry when it was over. That is heartbreaking being with a person and having no feelings of separation but it was just that.
The whole time and before I had a friend I would occasionally flirt with nothing serious didn’t really care for him (obvs. didn’t flirt while with the other guy cause that would be just WRONG.) I noticed though when I stopped paying attention to him completely I realized that affected him he would text me saying the guy was so lucky, he shouldn’t treat me that way, and that I was an amazing girl and at first I thought okay this is weird let me live my life homie. But soon after I stopped being with Phillip he started texting me more and talking about my day. He then confessed that he liked me and I froze. What? Me? Get out of here… I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea. When approaching feelings towards someone it’s always either we’re friends and that’s the way it is or I like him he likes me we’re going to talk. I don’t think much of guy friends, I even swipe on Tinder with some to see what girls they’d be a perfect match for haha!
Anyways, after talking to Nick* for a while I realized he was serious and that scared me. He really liked me. He thought highly about me, very complimentary towards me, things that I haven’t been used to. From my previous year, I’ve never had a guy open up to me so much so it scared me. I started to push him away a little and he’d step back but then he’d talk again about how he felt. I liked the idea of being with him but when it got too much I pushed him away or resorted to taking a break (talking to other guys to make my feelings for his distance and my heart scattered in different places.) Then the other night I tried to push it away again and he took a while to reply. When he finally did he said that he either wanted to be with me or nothing at all and he didn’t trust that I trusted him. I do trust him and I do think that everything he says about how he feels is true. In the moment I realized that quote about loving yourself. It’s not that I didn’t want him, it’s because I didn’t think the things he said to me were true to myself. I didn’t trust that I was beautiful or that I was amazing because my self concept is lost.
I decided to not talk this out with someone since I tend to tell my friends every dramatic tale of my life and I cried it out. I realized at the end that maybe I did deserve the love he was giving me but I deserve my love first. I am one to reach out to a friend when I am feeling down but dealing with what I was feeling myself made me become self aware of the situation. At the end of the night I told myself that I never wanted to let myself get so low. I never wanted to push away something that’s worth embracing, something I dream about. In some ways I broke Nick because of pushing him away, that’s not fair. I think before I start to open my feelings back up to Nick or anybody else it’s going to take time to love myself. Then I can open up my heart, accept, and give love back.
This is not one of my typical posts but I feel like this life update was necessary. So I may be a little lost, and I may have fallen out of love with me. But here I am trying today, I’m picking myself up, and finding me. I have decided to open my heart back up to people who can only better me. In Charlie St. Cloud, when Charlie rode out in the rough waters even in the dead night to search for the girl I’m doing the same thing. I’m going out into life, into the sunset, into the tough waters, into the night, into the cold, to find myself.
I hope whoever you are wherever you are in life with yourself I hope you find yourself then love yourself more than you could. Then and only then you accept loves from others. Know your worth, and I love you.
Stay tuned for more