Before you read this you should know this blog post contains heavy subjects of grief and the death of a parent.
Weatherman said ‘it’s gonna snow’ right now I should be used to the cold – Miranda Lambert
My voice rang through my home church’s speaker on the day of my dad’s memorial. Followed by two guitars one being my cousin’s and the other guitar one I have had on my eyes for weeks in the guitar shop but it was now mine. Over You by Miranda Lambert is one of the songs I constantly had on repeat after my dad had passed. Three years ago I lost my dad and hearing that song now gives me chills still. Before writing this, I had a calendar set with what to write, what was on my mind, and on my heart.
I don’t think that plans always go through even when you’ve had them set for so long, and they’re perfect to every detail. Like this post, life comes at us unexpected. Three years and a day ago if you traveled back in time and told me that tomorrow I would loose my dad the next day I wouldn’t have believed you. I was just a girl in high school who had never felt any grief and at that time in my eyes my dad was awesome, healthy, and a superman!
To tell you a little bit about my dad. I’ve had such an amazing relationship with him. I was definitely a daddy’s girl! When I was younger he would sing The Beatles while swimming in the hotel pool with me holding on to his back. He would always tell me not to go past the pole by the white house in our neighborhood so I would never venture off somewhere and get missing. He used to write poems and read books while we ate at the diner. His favorite number is three, now it’s my favorite and I get it now. I was the the third try for my parents and the only one who made it. If I wanted something he made a way. I learned to love Coca-Cola especially in a glass bottle (I still call it that Coke sounds a bit weird to me!)
He always loved to look up full moon dates, just to know when the moon was all right. I appreciated playing golf with my dad, but now I don’t do that anymore. Some of it has to do with not having someone to do it with and then the emotions I feel driving up to a golf range. There are so many little things like him encouraging my music, paying for lessons, always getting me something for Valentine’s day, giving me a princess card on my birthday and still calling me his baby that I miss every single day. Now, I don’t have an active male role model in my life like him. My papa passed right after he did. One of my grandfather’s died before I met him and the other lived in India. I only met him once after my dad died but he has passed since then.
I feel emotions very strongly and when I don’t want to feel them I block them out. In my mind, it was better to block out grief then to cry. I don’t know why my 16 year old self thought that. If you’ve ever blocked something out, there’s no way to escape the emotion that is soon to come. In high school, I built walls and this was just another wall up in my heart. The things with walls are even the strongest you build to protect you get broken down eventually. My wall came down. Every emotion. Every memory. It just filled in my brain. It hurt so much. It was so hard to feel this grief. It may seem weird that I built a wall, or didn’t want to get emotional over my dad. It’s not, it’s just sad.
Sad that I felt that emotion was too strong to feel. He was my best friend, the only man I ever needed in life. So at the time building that wall was a good idea when I ran into the bathroom crying on the floor when I got the news my dad died. Crying in the shower before going to the hospital. Trying not to cry when a best friend of mine’s dad drove me to the hospital. Trying not to cry when I waited for a woman who I’ve never met to guide me in a place I’ve never spent much time in. Trying not to cry when I saw my mom for the first time looking at my dad with so much sadness. Trying not to cry when my other family came in. For some reason I thought I had to be so strong when I didn’t.
Here is my driving point, that I want to get through to you. That even though I built those walls I still faced the emotion and the reality after that. It was harder, I’ll tell you. I went through serious sad moments in high school and even in college. You know being sad really tests you, what are you going to do with it? What are you going to do with it? Don’t build walls, talk to your family or somebody who really loves you, let your emotions out, go to counseling, go do something you love.
Now, you can be sad let the emotions in but don’t let it take over and control your life. Sometimes you can get caught up with the now and they slip your mind it’s okay. I’ve done that with going to school, in a new environment. You know how you can block out what you feel, then it comes in and you feel it all over you, then it goes away? That’s not how it works when it comes to death. This is a person you love. You’ll always remember them. Daddy, I’m not going to ever get over you.
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Let me know what you thought in the comments below. May you be blessed. Let me know your stories and anything you’d like to see me take on next with Kisses From Carolina! What song gets you through tough times?